Haikus for Stand-Up Comedians

I’ve been in a funk lately. It’s nothing serious. I still shower and see the light of day. But instead of writing, I’ve been doodling idly in my notebook, making up fast food puns, and writing haikus. The 5-7-5 structure of the haiku is, apparently, the only thing my brain can handle right now, outside of Netflix. I’ve been drooling and staring into space a lot this summer. But, hey, on the bright side, I wrote some fucking haikus! And they’re for some god damn stand-up comedians.

I love stand-up comedy. I think that the really good comedians are, essentially, philosophers who just happen to use a different medium. It took guts for Reggie Watts to question the objectification of women in “Fuck Shit Stack” or for Jerry Seinfeld to ask what was up with airline food. In all seriousness, I’m going to try to pull myself together. In the mean time, read these damn haikus, the likes of which you probably haven’t seen since grade school.

Reggie Watts

Beat-boxing afro.

Cut to the heart of things, man.

Fuck shit while smiling.


Jim Gaffigan

Elton John’s offspring.

Bring on more of that cake, please.

A cute polar bear.


H. Jon Benjamin

A living cartoon.

Dry as McGurk; angry Bob.

Small man but tall voice.


Robin Williams

Genie, you crazy.

Do a line, talk about God,

Like a wind-up toy.


Maria Bamford

An anxious screeching,

Wide-eyed stare, intensity.

Crazy pug lady.


Joe Rogan

Mold on the sandwich:

Worlds within worlds within worlds.

It’s microcosmic.


Dane Cook

Your job: stealing jokes.

Louis did it better, dude.

Yell about blow jobs.

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