A Guide to Drunk Talk

The other night, I went to happy hour with a friend and some of her coworkers. While I am usually quite content getting drunk with strangers, I met them when they were three hours deep into what was supposed to be a one drink gathering. So, instead of trying to catch up to them, I just sat and listened.

As I am usually one of them, I never noticed before, but, my god, drunk people are idiots. They speak their own impenetrable language that one can only understand when also hammered. And yet, again, as I am usually one of those drunken idiots, I had the pleasure of accessing their collective headspace without getting the spins.

While I watched them scream for more shots of bottom shelf tequila and attempt to work the photo booth, I thought of something.  You know the phrase, “A drunk person’s words are a sober person’s thoughts”? Well, it’s total crap. Drunk people are just as prone to tell lies as sober people. In fact, they have their own language of doublespeak.

Sure, there’s the occasional “I’ve been in love with you ever since our Psychology of Women class” confession, emboldened by Goldschlager. But, on the whole, drunks are like children. They’re little liars. They think they’re being sneaky, but they’re stupidly obvious, and only other children fall for their shit.

There are a few key phrases that’ll tip you off to whether it’s a sloppy, drunken confession or just another pile of horseshit covered in vodka.

“I’m sorry but…”

What I’m about to say will offend you. I don’t have the guts to say it without a few beers in my belly, so I’ll offer you a buffer apology. I’m not sorry at all. My opinion is uninformed, but unmovable.

“I’m so down.”

We are very drunk and planning things that we will never uphold, such as a book club or a promise to join an intramural soccer team. Related to the phrase, “We should totally…”

“Oh my god, I love that!”

I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. Hopefully you won’t ask me any specific questions, and I can get away with nodding my head enthusiastically.

“This is my song. AHHHH!”

I heard this on the radio today! I’m not that old! I AM STILL RELEVANT. What’s a Macklemore?

“Besties!!!”

I really, really fucking hate you, but all of my other friends like you. I’m just going to pretend to like you until everyone gets sick of you.

“I know I don’t say it enough, but I fuckin’ love you man. You’re my best friend.”

Not to be confused with the “Besties!!!” invocation. A genuine outpouring of emotion for someone you truly love. Usually comes pre-vomit or during an ebb in projectile vomiting.

“Who wants tacos?”

I am trying to fill an emotional void with sex, but I keep striking out. I will throw up on the side of a building tonight.

Now, if you’re like me, these opportunities will be few and far between. Mostly because you’ll be the one throwing up outside of a Panda Express and screaming at a broken pinball machine. At any rate, I strongly suggest that you print out this article as a guide to navigating drunk talk and offer to be DD tonight. It’s kind of fun listening to your friends try to come up with a good name for their ill-fated Dungeons and Dragons guild.

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