The Shit vs. The Tits

Some things are easier said than done. Making soufflés, for one. Training for a half marathon. Or even, I don’t know, thinking before you speak. No one does it. We just kind of vomit out whatever half-formed thoughts are floating around in our heads. Or maybe that’s just me. But anyways, it leads to things like gently making fun of a new acquaintance for never smiling, then later finding out that he had been shot in the face. (True story.)

More than just saying whatever comes to mind, though, I find myself—and many of my peers—guilty of using nonsensical slang. I think that slang is a fantastic way to track the evolution of language and culture. Some of it, though, just doesn’t make sense and, in turn, makes me wonder how it affects critical thinking and the way we understand the world.

I mean, when you say something is cool but it’s also hot—like, I don’t know, One Direction—your brain will understandably be confused.  Which is it? Am I going to burn myself or get hypothermia? Is Harry Styles cool as a cucumber or is he hot ‘n’ spicy?

There are phrases like  “Gag me with a spoon” that make sense. You could indeed gag yourself with a spoon. Furthermore, it implies that something—a thought, an idea, what have you—makes you so ill that you just want to vomit. Sure it doesn’t sound pretty, but at least there is a reason that phrase became popular in the English language.

Then there are other slang terms. Cool beans, for one. I just…I don’t know what that means. Why are lukewarm legumes a positive thing? Who was the first person to say that, and why is it a phrase that other people clearly thought worthy of repetition? But, you know, “cool beans” does not offend me because, I guess, bean salad is good. Black bean salsa is also delicious. So, I guess you could argue that cool beans are indeed something one should aspire to.

There is one phrase, though, that I cannot and will not support: the shit. Don’t get me wrong. I wholeheartedly support cursing when you’re frustrated or angry or you accidentally sent an e-mail complaining about your boss to your boss. Shit connotes something negative: it literally means fecal matter.

So why do we say something is the shit when we really like it? “Dude, that band is the shit.” Really? That band? The one you love? They remind you of smelly half-digested tacos? I mean, I’m all for making the English language your own. (Which is why I support abreves, bb. Just kidding. Anyone who abbreviates should burn.)

But it comes down to the fact that, as I stated before, people don’t think before they speak. I mean, I hear girls saying they literally died when they, I don’t know, kissed Chad or Michael or whatever. Really? Your body shut down and your heart stopped? Your brain ceased to function? Sure, I mean, it’s possible, if not plausible. Seriously though, by using the shit in your every day vernacular, you run the risk of doing two things: ruining the meaning of a really fantastic vulgarity, and rewiring your brain to think up is down, good is bad, and blue is orange. It’s just wrong. Poop is gross. Why are you equating grossness with goodness?

Which is why I propose a conscious choice to stop using the shit in favor of the tits. Why? Because everyone loves boobs. Everyone. Babies, in their little half-formed minds, equate those squishy sacks of fun with food. Men and women—gay or straight—can appreciate a nice set. At worst, you’re boob neutral. I have never—and I mean never—met someone who just didn’t like breasts.

Think about it: they’re soft and warm. They function much like a stress ball would, releasing your tension just at the mere touch. They’re just plain nice to look at. It’ll make your comparison all the more special: One Direction is so amazing that they remind you of nature’s keg, not of that salmon that isn’t sitting right in your stomach.

To boot, tits sounds similar to shit, so it’ll be an easy transition. And, all of a sudden, when you say that a certain band is the tits, the people you’re talking to will immediately associate that band with warm, fuzzy feelings. “Your cooking is the tits!” Or “Wow, your tits are the tits.” No more will the things you love be associated with bowel movements.

Really, though, it’s your choice. Say what you want. Keep saying “I literally YOLO’d because Harry Styles is totes the shit.” I don’t care. But riddle me this: how are we going to explain to little Johnny when he’s older that “That kid is a piece of shit” doesn’t mean “That kid is awesome”? He’s going to spend years wondering why he didn’t get invited to Shirley’s birthday party even though they all loved him. Think about the kids.

5 Comments on “The Shit vs. The Tits

  1. I agree with you about “shit”; however, there is just something harsh and unclassy sounding when it comes to the word “tits”. But that is my opinion; really enjoyed reading your blog!

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