Terrible Thing of the Week: Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger
Bad news, guys. As if increased cannibalism and Snooki’s pregnancy weren’t enough, 2012 is shaping up to, indeed, be the end of humanity. Why? Oh, nothing really, just the creation of a black hole right in the center of Canada.
To what am I referring? The seventh seal of the Apocalypse: Avril Lavigne, of “Complicated” fame, and Chad Kroeger, that unholy, ramen noodle-headed, self-satisfied singer of Nickelback, are engaged.
Gather your canned goods. Find an atheist to take care of your pets after the Rapture. It’s coming. That’s right. Not only have they been in the same room as one another, they spent enough time together to determine that they want to buy a little Canadian house and live in the snow and make terrible music together. Rumor has it their wedding date is set for December 21, and it’s going to take place in Mexico.
We all know that, if this isn’t the end of the world, they will eventually procreate, as awful people are wont to do, unleashing upon the world a new generation of three-chord power ballads, heavy eyeliner, and bull horns. Freddie Mercury is rolling over in his grave. It’s official. Music is dead.