Post the First

Ahh, the smell of a fresh blog. There’s nothing like it. Especially when you know that, eventually, your blog will be rank with the morning-after musk of the lowest forms of modern culture: everything from “fashion” to “music” to “television” and “books.” Everything I write about is but a mere shadow of what it claims to be. But I digress.

Welcome to Orange Juice and Toothpaste, a place that explores the best and the worst of the world of pop culture. And who I am? Oh, no one, really. Just a lady who has spent a sad amount of time slugging out in front of the television and surfing the internet.

And what better way to start off  Orange Juice and Toothpaste than to discuss Justin Bieber? He is, in my opinion, the pinnacle of our collective obsession with terrible things. To be honest, I put a bit too much thought into what he does from day to day. Does he ever just, you know, take a “me” day and walk around the house with an avocado face mask and toe separators? Are his glasses real? What keeps him up at night? What does he do with his time now that he’s 18?

But what really stops me in my tracks is wondering what life would be like for my favorite Canadian (sorry, Bryan Adams) if he weren’t famous. Or worse, what’s going to happen to him when Disney decides to dump his post-pubescent ass. That’s why I decided to develop his professional resumé. Just in case.

Justin Bieber

2424 Canada Street

Ontario, Canada

Reach me by carrier pigeon only. (Provincial cell phone temporarily disabled.)

Objectives and Skills

I am an ambitious young person with great communication skills. One might even say I sing when in the presence of others. I am a hard worker and will dance around the competition. I am seeking a part- or full-time position wherein I can go Overboard and Be Next to You. My ultimate goal, however, is to utilize my great skin and rosebud lips, and to become a tester for Revlon.

Experience

Nanny/Babysitter                        2010-Present

Take care of three-year-old. She cries and I’m like baby, baby, baby, oh.

Escort                                               2009-Present

I make sure there is One Less Lonely Girl. NO MINORS as of March 1, 2012.

Hairdresser                                     2008-2011

Specializing in razor cuts, layering, and feathering.

Motivational Speaker                  2008-2010

Tell people (mainly girls ages 11-15) to Never Say Never.

Education

Phoenix University                  2012-Present

Major: Songwriting

Walt Disney Jr.-Sr. High School      2008-2012

High School Diploma

Achievements

Senior Superlative, Best Hair

1st Soprano in All-Canada Children’s Choir

References Available Upon Request

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