Post the First
Ahh, the smell of a fresh blog. There’s nothing like it. Especially when you know that, eventually, your blog will be rank with the morning-after musk of the lowest forms of modern culture: everything from “fashion” to “music” to “television” and “books.” Everything I write about is but a mere shadow of what it claims to be. But I digress.
Welcome to Orange Juice and Toothpaste, a place that explores the best and the worst of the world of pop culture. And who I am? Oh, no one, really. Just a lady who has spent a sad amount of time slugging out in front of the television and surfing the internet.
And what better way to start off Orange Juice and Toothpaste than to discuss Justin Bieber? He is, in my opinion, the pinnacle of our collective obsession with terrible things. To be honest, I put a bit too much thought into what he does from day to day. Does he ever just, you know, take a “me” day and walk around the house with an avocado face mask and toe separators? Are his glasses real? What keeps him up at night? What does he do with his time now that he’s 18?
But what really stops me in my tracks is wondering what life would be like for my favorite Canadian (sorry, Bryan Adams) if he weren’t famous. Or worse, what’s going to happen to him when Disney decides to dump his post-pubescent ass. That’s why I decided to develop his professional resumé. Just in case.
2424 Canada Street
Reach me by carrier pigeon only. (Provincial cell phone temporarily disabled.)
Objectives and Skills
I am an ambitious young person with great communication skills. One might even say I sing when in the presence of others. I am a hard worker and will dance around the competition. I am seeking a part- or full-time position wherein I can go Overboard and Be Next to You. My ultimate goal, however, is to utilize my great skin and rosebud lips, and to become a tester for Revlon.
Take care of three-year-old. She cries and I’m like baby, baby, baby, oh.
I make sure there is One Less Lonely Girl. NO MINORS as of March 1, 2012.
Specializing in razor cuts, layering, and feathering.
Motivational Speaker 2008-2010
Tell people (mainly girls ages 11-15) to Never Say Never.
Phoenix University 2012-Present
Walt Disney Jr.-Sr. High School 2008-2012
High School Diploma
Senior Superlative, Best Hair
1st Soprano in All-Canada Children’s Choir
References Available Upon Request